At our School, everyone comes into different classrooms and disturbs the teacher and the class. They ask the teacher if they can borrow a computer and the teacher gets annoyed. The
When computers die, they always go to another classroom for another computer. The school has a problem of not enough working computers.
Our school should get ipads instead of computers because the students could play games whenever, they could use the Ipad as an assignment notebook. With the computer, it is heavy to carry around, sometimes it takes like an hour to load, and an Ipad is easier to carry around. (Several run-on sentences in this paragraph! Can you find them?)
Some solutions of this problem is that we should sell all the lap tops to get the money for the I pads.If everyone in the school put in $20.00, we would be able to get ipads. Another solution is that we should have a fundraiser for money.The school could hold a Tech Carnival that teaches adults on how to use the technology.The parents might like this idea and tell the school about it and the parish might buy ipads. (Good ideas)
That's why the school should get ipads instead of computers because of all the computers that have died and are not able to work anymore.
Good Start, Finnian. Keep working on this.It doesn't look like you tried to revise this! Ideas - 3 Your first and third paragraph discuss your idea well. The fourth is really a conclusion, but it should have been another paragraph about either another solution or the expected effects of your solutions.Organization - 4 You organized your essay acording to the structure I gave you, but you forgot a paragraph.Word Choice - 4Voice - 3 You could use some specific descriptions, stronger verbs, and maybe a few figures of speech or dialogue.
Fluency - 3 Most of your sentences are about the same length.
Conventions - 3 Oops, watch out for those run on sentences!
Problem-Solution Essay
School Play Test
It does not look like you have worked on this essay since I read your rough draft. Why.
Finnian McCormick
English class
3-30-12
IPads
At our School, everyone comes into different classrooms and disturbs the teacher and the class. They ask the teacher if they can borrow a computer and the teacher gets annoyed. The
When computers die, they always go to another classroom for another computer. The school has a problem of not enough working computers.
Our school should get ipads instead of computers because the students could play games whenever, they could use the Ipad as an assignment notebook. With the computer, it is heavy to carry around, sometimes it takes like an hour to load, and an Ipad is easier to carry around.
(Several run-on sentences in this paragraph! Can you find them?)
Some solutions of this problem is that we should sell all the lap tops to get the money for the I pads.If everyone in the school put in $20.00, we would be able to get ipads.
Another solution is that we should have a fundraiser for money.The school could hold a Tech Carnival that teaches adults on how to use the technology.The parents might like this idea and tell the school about it and the parish might buy ipads. (Good ideas)
That's why the school should get ipads instead of computers because of all the computers that have died and are not able to work anymore.
Good Start, Finnian. Keep working on this.It doesn't look like you tried to revise this!
Ideas - 3 Your first and third paragraph discuss your idea well. The fourth is really a conclusion, but it should have been another paragraph about either another solution or the expected effects of your solutions.Organization - 4 You organized your essay acording to the structure I gave you, but you forgot a paragraph.Word Choice - 4Voice - 3 You could use some specific descriptions, stronger verbs, and maybe a few figures of speech or dialogue.
Fluency - 3 Most of your sentences are about the same length.
Conventions - 3 Oops, watch out for those run on sentences!
Total points = 20 = C